SATIRE: President Buhari releases Statement on Enugu mayhem

Fellow Nigerians, it is with great joy I announce to you that the 2016 budget will be signed into law today. I met with Senator Saraki and Dogaro yesterday. We are straightening out all grey areas regarding the budget, and very soon, we will begin implementing the budget. Once the budget is passed, I will release Nnamdi Kanu.

I heard some Igbos where killed yesterday. I also read from newspaper that the DSS found a grave site in Abia State and with the current state of the art equipment my government purchased, they were able to tell by mere sighting the decomposed bodies that they were Fulani herdsmen.

This technology was imported from Saudi Arabia. However, we have tried to deploy it in Northern Nigeria but it seem not to work there. Its operability is in Southern Nigeria and particularly when referenced to Igbos.

I belong to no one. I belong to everyone. But permit me to clarify that my government is doing everything possible to stall my tribesmen from getting overly angry and inflicting small injuries on Enugu people. Recall that during the last presidential elections, Enugu State voted for PDP. The numbers they churned out nearly made me lose the election until we deployed Kano Strategy.

I have not hidden my agenda. I have told Nigerians and the world that those who voted for me will reap the benefits. My primary preference is those who supported me. Those who didn’t, like Enugu State will reap the fruit of their labor. Like I said, I belong to no one. I belong to all.

Those who say I hate Enugu State are grossly mistaken. I have allowed Air Peace to operate in Enugu State. However, the headquarters is in Lagos State, the capital of APC.

It is my absolute duty to protect and preserve the live of every Nigerian starting from North East first. We are trying our best to maintain peace and order all over the country. Boko Haram members who surrender willingly are rehabilitated and reintegrated into the society where they can graduate from planting bombs to planting carrots.

Fellow Nigerians, the Fulanis don’t forget. We remember how Enugu indigenes nearly scuttled our plans of returning power to the North. Their population has to be reduced so they don’t turn the tide against me. I see they support Saraki. I met with Saraki yesterday. He has agreed that we resolve the budget impasse. I know you people want to support him against me in 2019.

Finally, I have issued a decree that all village heads in the South where oil pipelines are blown up must produce those who did it. I have also pleaded with my Fulani herdsmen to relax since 2019 is still far. To this effect, I will set up a committee in May 14th that will look at how the National Grazing Bill will be implemented. The grazing areas will naturally be in places where the land is green. We will start with Enugu State.

God bless he federal republic of Biafra. God bless the federal republic of Fulani. God bless the federal republic of Nigeria.